lazy bones

By lazy emmet

Clearly, I am doomed.
Another damn study has been released to indicate that I am killing myself sitting on my Simmons fold-out couch watching free Showtime cable. So are you.
I am the laziest person I know, with the exception of “Bone Idle” David Grima. My idea of a good summer day is three newspapers, coffee and a bagel, sitting in front of a hi-def. TV.
I have a great bike, a superb kayak and live a mile from the lake and the ocean. I have a YMCA membership in good standing. I could walk to a golf course. I would rather read the latest issue of Men’s Journal, or the New Yorker or Mother Jones, than take any exercise.
I called Aran the Daughter (Meara 2 on her license plate) last week. In the course of the conversation I reported that Blue Eyes was mowing her lawn. I was watching. Aran, a keen observer of the human condition, remarked “That’s what Mearas do.”
Indeed. Since my (forced) retirement almost 11 years ago, I have vegetated…and loved it. I make periodic trips to the YMCA, but have not returned in two weeks. The bike hasn’t left the barn. I haven’t been back to Lake Megunticook since I fought head winds for two hours getting back from Bailey Point. That was two weeks ago and I am still sore.
This is not good, as if I didn’t know.
Check out this researching killjoy. “Sedentary behavior is something we need to take note of beyond telling people to get 30 minutes of activity a day,” said Peter T. Katzmarzyk, one of the lead researchers for the damn study and a professor of population science at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Baton Rouge, La.
Sitting down for more than three hours a day can shave a person’s life expectancy by two years, even if he or she is physically active and refrains from dangerous habits like smoking, according to the damn study to be published in the online journal BMJ Open.
I can waste away a perfect Maine summer afternoon, watching sports shows and old movies, waiting for suppertime.
Watching TV for more than two hours a day can exacerbate that problem, decreasing life expectancy by another 1.4 years, said the report, which analyzed five underlying studies of nearly 167,000 people over a range of four to 14 years.
Two hours a day? I have that clocked in by 10 a.m., before the Dan Patrick show.
The meta-analysis comes just two years after Australian researchers found that people who said they watched TV for more than four hours a day were 46% more likely to die of any cause than people who said they spent less than two hours a day watching TV. Those watching TV more than four hours a day were also 80% more likely to die of cardiovascular disease.
Four hours a day? The Red Sox take that long to lose to the Yankees. Then you have to watch the post-game wrap-up. (The Red Sox really are killing me.)
“Try to stand as much as you can,” Dr. Katzmarzyk said. “Typically when you’re on the telephone you can stand with the speaker phone. Instead of emailing someone in the office, just get up and go talk to them.”
I am against standing. When I do, my feet hurt, my back hurts and my hips hurt. I think it is much healthier to sit. Maybe lie down on the chaise lounge on the deck.
Once on the lounge, I am not likely to answer the ringing telephone. It is rarely good news. I know I should walk downtown to get the paper, but I will drive, and then come home to the couch and television, to watch Dan Patrick, then a 1940’s movie.
That’s what Mearas do.