I firmly resolve…


By lazy emmet

You can forget New Year’s resolutions. Most of you have already.
Even if I made them, they would fade with the memory of the last location of my car keys, glasses and parking spaces. At Cobb Manor, there is plenty of reason for improvement, but no interest at all.
But we can’t sit still. After all, it’s 2013 and we have to do something, right? Since I spent most of my day in front of the television (football, refighting Iwo Jima and Stalingrad) I have decided to do my self-improvement through reality television.
The Cobb is an unholy mess, thanks to a general pattern of sloth and a wood stove with spreads dust and ashes as well as heat. I know I should vacuum every other day, like Blue Eyes does. But I won’t.
Instead, I will leave it alone, but watch “Hoarders.” Have you seen this show? It follows pitiful mental cases through houses and trailers that have been packed to the ceiling (literally) with the detritus you see at every lawn sale.
When help (and the film crew) finally arrives, they have to push the door open to see the mess. The show sets up crews to empty the house, finding rat’s nests, old food and scores of cockroaches. That’s usually when I change the station. Even I have my limits. But when I change the station back to Iwo Jima, I look around Cobb Manor and find it perfectly acceptable.
No need for housekeeping resolutions.
When I think about how little I do each day, I consider a New Year’s resolution to be more productive. When that happens I search the TV Schedule for”Billy, The Exterminator.” I can’t imagine who dreamed up this show and thought it might be entertaining.
Billy Bretheron decided to save Benton, Louisiana from the scourge of rats, gators, skunks, bees, you name it. Billy, who looks like a long-lost Winter brother, dresses in black from head to toe during his crusades and uses his two years of entomology at Purdue (they must be so proud) to explain the background of his quarry. I wouldn’t think there would be enough gators-in-the-pool to pay the light bill, but what do I know?
Billy’s favorite job (ask him) was at a 15-story building infested with more than 80,000 cockroaches. Billy says, “When we flushed out and killed the cockroaches they ran into the city streets covering the cars and buildings for 5 city blocks in every direction. We saw roaches 5 stories up on the outside of surrounding buildings. I couldn’t believe the mess we created.”
Pretty noble, huh? That makes vegging out on the couch seem positively heroic. No resolution needed there.
No list of New Year’s resolutions would be complete with a promise to control eating and lose weight. Mike Goodwin confessed he broke five of his six resolutions before 10 a.m. on New Year’s Day. That’s why I don’t bother.
I could lose a good 50 pounds and still be beautiful. But I know I won’t. Instead I will search TV Guide for the next show of “The Biggest Loser.”
I would like to start swimming at the Y, but I don’t want to take my shirt off in public. I hate those stampedes. But that doesn’t seem to bother these contestants at all. They must pay them a lot.
I can’t figure out who wins on the show, but that doesn’t matter. They are all fatter than we are and we like to watch them break down in tears when they get weighed each week.
Some people will do anything for a shot at $250,000. Let’s ask Linda Lowen of Examiner.com what she thinks of the back-to-high-school weigh in which opened one year.
“Actually, it’s more like the first gratuitously cruel move of a season hell-bent on emphasizing pain and humiliation. Scenes of contestants sobbing, Bob and Jillian barking orders, and one Pink Team member falling from her treadmill hint at where the show is headed. And it all begins with an out-in-the-open hometown weigh-in that promotes public humiliation more than it celebrates personal courage,” Lowen said.
Well, that was enough for me. I will waddle around with all this excess weight, since it will be useful as insulation for the endless winter. No resolution needed here.
Wait. I have a New Year’s resolution….to spend as much time in Florida as humanly possible..