A nap machine?

By pretend rich Emmet

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I remain convinced that I will win the lottery, some day. Never Mind that 30 years of tickets have delivered less than $1,500 in winnings, with $7,800 ($5 a week) expended. I could make more money with the Jefferson Investment Club.
I expect to win every week and spend the money whether I win or not. I am not asking for much. I don’t need $260 million. I would be perfectly and serenely happy with the Lucky for Life lottery which would give me $1,000 a day, for life. That would pay off Cobb Manor in a year and let me put an Airstream trailer on my Royal Highland, Florida postage stamp lot. I paid enough for that lot to purchase a new Porsche, but that is another story altogether…and another column.
While I am sitting around waiting for the winnings, I spend an inordinate amount of time pretend-spending money. Well, it’s better than raking the lawn.
The best mode I have found for this adventure is the periodic visits by the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue which lands in my Camden post office box. These people are funny. They offer “The best, the only and the unexpected for 165 years.” You have to respect that.
HS never (well hardly ever) disappoints. They usually have some wild, outrageous, incredibly expensive item for our perusal. This issue has the (I swear to God) “Productivity Boosting Nap Pod.” They had me at “nap.”
This cover item “boosts productivity by providing a rejuvenation space for taking 20-minute naps. “ Naturally, NASA studies (would like to see those) have proven that concentration improves by 34 percent after dozing in the PBNP. Remember, “Power napping has been widely embraced by the world’s most progressive companies as beneficial to wellbeing.” Who could argue with that? Pay attention. The PBNP offers a “contoured, cushioned bed which provides optimal ergonomics for napping by elevating the feet, relaxing the lower back and slightly bending the knees all of which promotes blood circulation,” which we know is a good thing. Hold your breath. The “spherical dome enclosure provides semi-privacy” while the Bose speaker provides ambient rhythms, whatever they are. Naturally the PBNP has a built in time, all for a mere $16,000.
Since I could nap on a picket fence, that might have to wait for the winning ticket, possibly next week.
The watch on my wrist is a Casio, purchased from Amazon.com for $25, with a $10 coupon. It even tells the tide, if not accurately. HS offers us an update, for only $249.95. This is a LIP replica of the wrist watch presented to Winston Churchill by France for saving their World War II hides. It was a great French tradition started when the LIP firm offered a watch to Napoleon. The original watch was presented to Churchill by Charles DE Gaulle who is considered Franc’s hero although he spent the war hiding in London. The watch recreated the art deco style of the original with an updated Swiss movement. I liked Churchill and his “Fight them on the beaches” speech, of course. But I could get 10 Casio tide watches for that price.
HS offers some whimsical items including the iPod Commode Caddy. This $99.95 item offers hands-free usage of the iPod and a roll of toilet paper while sitting on the toilet. (Do people actually do this?) It is “ideal for browsing one’s digital reading material while indisposed.” I don’t know about you, but my e-mails can wait, especially if any of them are from David Grima.
My sole visit to the links occurs each March when Maine Mark and I invade the Rivard Country Club in Florida. Because of his many connections, the après-golf pitcher of beer is often on the house. But we play at least nine holes in the Florida sun which can leave one quite thirsty. HS has us covered. For a mere $89.95 we can buy a “drink dispensing driver.” This clever invention masquerades as just another club in the bag “But it dispenses one ounce per second from a spout in the club head. It helps golfers maintain the illusion of proper course etiquette and won’t draw a second look from even the most astute course officials.” The “driver” is connected to an insulated cooler that keeps up to 54 ounces of “refreshments” cool. I might get that for Maine Mark for his birthday, but I can never remember when it is.
I love the stuff in the HS catalogue. This issue offers a rear view camera for your bicycle, for a mere $199.95. This item is “fully weather-resistant and vibration resistant” and provides up to 10 hours of operation from a single charge. Call me silly. I will use the mirror on the handlebars.
My Trek 750 has served me well for several decades, but I must admit I do get lonely on those longer trips. I might consider the “Touring quadracycle” which actually holds four passengers. Both rear seats have pedals and the machine has 10 miles per hour speed limit and can hold 550 pounds, which eliminates Grima from the trip. The quadracycle will “withstand the elements for years of reliability.” It should, for $5,000. I think I will just ride alone, at least until I hit that Lucky for Life.
I am off to do my financial planning now, with a purchase of a Lucky for Life, Megabucks and Megamillions Tickets. No Powerball, though. That would be stupid.
Even the Jefferson Investment Club would reject that.