Useless, no not me
In my dotage, there are very few things I still excel at. Yes, I can waste time with the very best of them, clinging to my iPad or Facebook connection for a frightening amount of hours. But my singular talent remains wasting money. The Twomey family motto is “spend that last dollar before the sun goes down.”
The editors at MSN have compiled a list of the thingson which most mortals waste their dough. I believe those knaves have been reading my mail. I have come to the conclusion that I should throw away my yogurt and salad while I am still at the Camden Hannaford Brothers, just to save some space in my fridge. Certainly they are never consumed at Cobb Manor. Maybe I could make a yogurt salad.
The number one item listed by MSN is soup. Oh, I buy soup all the time and nothing but the best. The more it costs, the more I like it. I bet I have 20 cans in the pantry now and I will not touch one of them. Soup is good for you, so I avoid it at all costs. I must check the expiration date before I poison some soup-loving lunch guest. I am not alone. Campbell Soup’s chief executive Doug Conant said his product sits in 85 percent of American homes. “But people forget it is in the pantry.”
People told me that I must join the YMCA to trim 40 or 60 pounds and to keep the blood pumping. But they never said I had to actually go. I have a senior membership at the local “Y” which costs about $1 a day. That is a great bargain if you go. I don’t. I don’t know why because I enjoy the activity when I get there as long as I have my iPad which plays Otis Redding and Joe Tex to drown out those grunts and groans of the Exerting Ones.
I know the folks at Groupon had me in mind when they dreamed up that business. In Groupon, you buy $40 worth of restaurant food for a mere $20. But there is an expiration date. Last month a Groupon coupon at Richetta’s (the finest pizza in Maine) expired, naturally. My only defense is that the joint is in Portland area, simply hours away. Our pals at the New York Times reported that fully 20 percent of Groupon coupons go unused. I am surprised it is not higher.
The MSN report includes extended warranties as a huge money waster. Count me out. Even I am not that stupid.
I also draw the line at home exercise equipment. Even I know better. But I did inherit a Chuck Norris machine from a certain blue-eyed babe years ago. It even came with videos to explain the acceptable usage. It sits in the Cobb Manor barn, untouched by human hands. Consumer Reports reports, again that I am not alone. About 40 percent of consumers admitted that they use the expensive paperweights far less than expected. The rest lie.
I don’t know why, but I am curiously unaffected by application requests on iPad, if they charge anything. I will waste a small king’s ransom on flashlights, knives and murder novels, but not one cent for apps. According to Localytics, a Boston software firm, 26 percent of computer users download an app and never use it again.
I would be a sucker for swimming pools, if I could ever afford one. The backyard at Cobb Manor, with mountain views cries out for a swimming pool. I have planned on digging one for 30 years now even though the Maine pool season is 12 days long. Don’t do it, said the Arizona Daily Star. A pool can actually lower the value of your hovel and many homeowners seek ways to convert the unused pool into “useful space.”
. “Even when they are used, they’re not used in their entirety,” pool company executive Jason Isenberg says. “Not only does it eat up natural resources, (there is) exposure to chemicals, maintenance costs, and this usually massive thing eating up a large portion of your real estate. A lot of empty-nesters don’t use them, and snowbirds don’t use them a good part of the year. They’re just sitting there dormant most of the year.”
Perhaps I could learn to ice skate.
I don’t know how many food processors, waffle irons and counter ovens I have and don’t use. I think there is wok somewhere under all those impulse casualties. Last month, a certain blue-eyed wench and I bought a super smoothie make for something like $600. Had to have it. It has not come out of the box yet. Hey, she agreed to it. Queens cook Sarah Lohman told MSN, “It’s very difficult to find a tool that makes things easier rather than adding an extra step.”
I won’t even start on books. My living room floor has a high tide of detective novels both read and unread. I bet I have 25 books scatted around my bedroom, read and unread. I believe that I will not live long enough to read them all. But if I went on Amazon today, I could buy two or three. If I went into my “cart” I would have at least 60 more.
I am a sick man. But at least I said no to extended warrantees and home exercise equipment.
That’s something, isn’t it?