Birthday/Christmas presents for me.

Gifties
By greedy Emmet

Everyone (well, Blue Eyes) has been asking me what I want for Christmas. Since my birthday (and my beloved granddaughter’s) birthday is three days before Christmas, I always expect extra-special packages.
Cobb Manor is filled with winter clothes and unused toys including skis for both downhill and cross country. I don’t know about you, but my skiing has gone downhill…permanently. I really don’t need a thing, except maybe a big bag of $100 bills, like in “Breaking Bad.”
Of course, even a cursory reading of Men’s Journal, the Cobb Manor Bible, can cure all that. By page 14 (the rest was all ads) I discovered that I needed a Modular Yard Tool. This mechanized beast, the Troy-Built Flex is a combination snow blower (that would be handy) a grass mower (not so much), a leaf blower and pressure washer, all for a mere $678. That would look fine under the tree-if I had a tree.
It’s awful quiet around Cobb Manor lately. I think the Big Lebowski Pinball machine would change all that. This device plays movie clips from the cult movie as you proceed through the pinball game. The player, if successful, can create the entire movie, which would certainly drive some people crazy. I know it’s a bit pricey at $8,500 but how many years do I have left, really?
I always planned to be a world famous photographer (I once had a photo studio on Boston’s Newberry Street and turned down an interview with Rolling Stone) until I met Neal Parent and Joe Devenney. They make me sick. I was always afraid to bring any camera along on any canoe or kayak trip, expecting the very worst, which is what I normally get. But Look! Here is a Ricoh WG-30w unbreakable camera. This baby captures 16-megapixel images (that must be good) even in 40 feet of water and survives in temperatures down to 14 degrees. But wait! It also has built in Wi-Fi that sends images to your very smart phone for immediate transmission to your waiting public. Then, I will show Parent and Devenney who is boss.
I always wanted a motorcycle but now I fear that I will end up like Chief Al who bought a great big Harley to impress the girls at Zoot’s Coffee Shop, but drove only 150 miles (mostly in his driveway) in two summers before he put the beast up for sale. First, he destroyed his spindly leg, then fell at a stop sign ogling some blonde and destroyed his spindly ankle. I only saw him ride the Harley just once and I have pictures to prove it. After the first summer, he took off the training wheels. Now, I am ogling the Ducati Diavel Carbon bike that crams a “ferocious 162-horsepower superbike engine” into a cruiser design. It sounds scary but jumping on the throttle “triggers the torque power plant to shoot monstrous amounts of power to the rear wheel.” Sounds scary. It’s a mere $20,995 but I would keep it in my barn right beside Chief’s cob-webbed Harley.
How many years do I have left?
I have torn up my vintage Honda Accord putting roof racks on, then struggling to get my Ocean 13 kayak up there. My troubles could be over if Santa spots the 12-foot-six BIC SUP Air Touring kayak. It can be inflated to 15 psi in about seven minutes. It comes equipped with a high-performance removable fin and is said to perform “nearly as well” as a traditional kayak. It would be far easier on my 70 year old back to just deflate and put it in the back seat. Last summer I followed a kayaker walking to his convertible on Florida’s Weeki Wachee River. I wanted to see how he carried that kayak in a convertible. “It’s inflatable,” he laughed as he pulled the plug and deflated the “boat.” It’s a mere $999 for all those Santas out there.
I have done my part. Take out those credit cards. Let’s start buying.