Resolving…

Resolutions
By kidding Emmet

Everybody has to do it, right?
If you have a column or a “blog” or are sitting at Trackside Bar contemplating still another year and your sad, little life, you have to make some New Year’s resolutions. It’s the law.
The good thing is, of course, you don’t have to keep them. No one you know is more likely to remember these idle plans than you are.
Everything I needed to know about NY Resolutions, I learned at my (hardly ever visited) YMCA. It was just after the first of the year and I waddled in to do a few “miles” on the very stationary bicycle. Since you can sit down, read the paper and listen to music while you are pretend biking, it is my very favorite exercise. For the first time ever, every single bike was taken and people were actually signing up on A LIST to get the next available pedal.
I turned around to leave because I had so many more important things to do. The YMCA attendant saw me packing (Water bottle, Globe sports page, and iPad) to leave and said, “Don’t worry. This only lasts a week or two, and then we go back to normal.” He was right, of course. The next time I waddled in, there were plenty of bikes available. No waiting line.
My very first resolution will concern the YMCA. I joined and have $40 deducted from my meager funds each moth to retain my membership. Truth is told that deduction has caused an overdraft or two. I told you those funds were meager. Now if you go to the YMCA twice a week, it comes out to around $4 a visit. If you go once a month (blush) that will be about $40 a visit, or a meal at Christine’s for two (no wine.)
This very week, I must choose one or the other. Drop the membership or actually attend the exercise sessions. I could always just walk around the three mile block every morning, but let’s be serious. That is outside and winter is here.
If I live until July 1, I will have paid off three different credit cards. If you knew the starting balance on these monsters you would be impressed that I have got this close. When and if this happens, I resolve to avoid another spending spree on my Kindle at Amaazon.com or buy even more knives and flashlights. (“It’s better to have one and not need it, than need it and not have it”) I will confine all (well, most) purchases to my debit card which has no interest charges. I have more books on my Kindle now than I can ever read, but Carl Hiaasen has another book available.
Maybe one more.
I firmly resolve to stop eating after 6 p.m.
When I was a hard-charging newspaper reporter, I would arrive home routinely at 10 p.m., tired and embarrassed after spending three hours at a Warren Zoning Board. Naturally, I would have an English muffin to stave off starvation. Then I would find an ice cold beer in the fridge. Then I would have another English. You know how it goes.
After 30-odd years of this behavior, I have gained the equivalent of a small person. Bill Harting, the Plymouth historian sent me a very old picture of me mowing the lawn in Martinsville. God, I was beautiful! I didn’t even recognize me. (Who else would mow my lawn?)
I am going to change my eating habits…just as soon as I finish that Irish Soda Bread that Sharon sent for my birthday.
My last resolution concerns the Internet. I firmly resolve to avoid replying to every ignorant, racist comment that comes across my screen. I think my disdain for the Bush family has been clearly explored since the Internet invaded Cobb Manor. I have received several complaints in this area, mostly from right-wing bigots. I must admit that I pay scant attention to anyone else’s remarks and I assume most people ignore mine.
I firmly resolve to keep each and every one of these resolutions.
Until Jan. 15.