How do I hate the Manning family? Let me count the ways.
For those lucky enough to be ignorant of football, Peyton and Eli Manning are football quarterbacks who are intent on ruining my life. But if you have television, these two goobers come into your house every day. Now Peyton, who I hate the most, is selling cars every eight minutes on my television. I think he is selling Kias, but I don’t really know. I leap (sort of) to change the channel whenever I hear that grating voice.
Yesterday, I saw a new ad which featured both brothers in some workout exercise. Again, I have no idea what they are selling because I keep the television remote close to my heart. Whatever the product is, I will never buy it.
I tried to answer the phone with same remote the other day, but that is another story.
Naturally, I hated the overexposure of quarterback Brett Favre before he thankfully retired. Naturally, I hate the current overexposure of Jets Quarterback Tim Tebow, who is also on my television every day, for reasons unknown.
I have no idea in the world why Madison Avenue has chosen the Manning family for commercials, other than, as I said, to ruin my life.
Let’s start at the beginning. Archie Manning was a fantastic quarterback, back in the day. He played college ball at Ole Miss then was battered around with the New Orleans Saints. Nice enough guy. Unfortunately, he had children.
Peyton (I even hate the name) burst on the scene with the Colts and beat Tom Brady and the Patriots too many times. In the worst game, the Patriots were headed to another Super Bowl, leading the Colts by 18 points in a 2007 playoff game. We all love the Patriots, but they have the worst defense in the league and cannot stop anybody, especially the Mannings. Peyton brought the Colts back for the win.
I hated the way Peyton played. He is like a hyperactive child, yelling numbers, letters and words just before the snap. When he does get the football, he dances like those Tony Robbins firewalkers. When he misses a pass, he always yells at the receiver.
Hate him. He has returned from a neck injury to sign (with way too much publicity) for the Denver Broncos. Now I hate them, too.
I don’t hate Brother Elisha as much. Pretty close.
I should hate him even more because the Giants quarterback has beaten the Patriots twice. In Super Bowls.
Twice. Ruined my life.
Both times the Patriots had the lead, but lost in the last quarter. In the first Super Bowl in 2008, Patriots defender Asante Samuel had a Manning pass between his hands and missed it. That catch would have won the game. Then Manning was surrounded by so many Patriots defenders that they were bumping into each other. Eli lobbed a pass into the air that something called David Tyree caught. On his helmet. Never, ever saw that before. That damned Manning won the game 17-14, ruined a Super Bowl and a perfect season for the Patriots.
In the second Giants-Patriots game last February, all-time favorite Patriots receiver Wes Welker dropped a catchable ball that would have won the game. The Giants got the ball back; Eli marched down the field against that lousy defense and won the game, 21-17. Again. To add insult, Elisha was named most valuable player in both super bowls. That’s three more super bowls lost to the Manning family.
Losing to the Giants is bad enough. I have hated them for decades. But losing to the Mannings is unbearable.
To have those catastrophic losses thrown in my face in those endless Manning television ads is ruining my life.
And it’s not even football season yet.